Accepting the love —

They say you accept the love you think you deserve. Before this relationship, I had several partners who loved me deeply, but I was often resistant, unable to fully reciprocate, and indecisive. This morning, as I merged these concepts, I woke up crying, realizing that once upon a time, I had partners who believed I deserved all the love in the world. They showered me with 100 kisses on my face every morning, showing me pure presence, unconditional love, and pleasure.

Now, as I cohabitate with my ex-partner in the house where my long-term partner and I once lived, I get to process not only the cycles of relationships but also my growth and transformation. I’ve oscillated between knowing my worth and losing sight of it, from loving myself deeply to feeling utterly lost. My relationships have mirrored these internal states, but they also provide an opportunity to change this paradigm.

Reflecting on my past, I am almost in disbelief that I allowed myself to be in such a relationship that drained me so much. But then, I consider the laws of karma and realize that everything I’ve experienced was necessary to clear old karmic patterns and move forward. He was my shadow work. Although we make great friends, it’s still strange to look back on what our relationship was. Both of us were trapped in a victim mindset and a sense of impurity. It was shadow work at its finest, and it was exactly what I called in during my last relationship: a deep dive into my shadow to meet and love her fully.