Many of us fall in love, get stuck in old patterns, can’t grow together, and end things for reasons when things simply aren’t that good. In this case, I can tell you the choice was to grow more without each other, not because we couldn’t grow together, but because life is ever-changing, and so are we. Sometimes separation is the medicine for the soul that we need.
Two and a half years ago, I fell in love for the first time in my life. When I say I fell in love, I mean I fell into a state of love with a bright and present human who I didn’t know was going to change my life forever.
The first night we spent together, we watched about 50 shooting stars as we lay on the grass in a backyard. The synchronicities were real, and all signs pointed to “this is your person.”
He was a hard one to win. I felt like I fell in love with my spiritual guru. He met me at a time when I was delving into a deep understanding of my gifts: channeling, communicating with spirit guides and the deceased. He held me through the shamanic visions I’d experience in my waking life, ones I couldn’t even fathom to understand. He brought me into the greatest ego death of my life with non-duality. When he met me, I was wild, empowered in my sexuality, dancing everywhere, and giving no shits. I was vibrant with life force, and honestly, he didn’t know what to do with it, but at the same time, he did.
When we met, we were both polyamorous, both in love with the idea of open relationships and shedding old programming. As we went through the waves, I always came back to him, realizing that he was the only one I wanted.
We delved deep into our meditation practice, unearthing much of my subconscious mind. The more I meditated, the more trauma surfaced, and it was brutal.
I was deeply engaged in shadow work for a long time within the relationship. He, on the other hand, went deep into a monk-like mode. He became the most non-reactive, gentle, and loving man. I wanted to figure out everything that was wrong with me, and it would make me spiral. I would pull myself out of the darkness time and time again.
At times, it was hard for us to connect because I was living in emotion, and he was living in nothingness. It was difficult for me to get what I truly needed. I felt alone, in a relationship with a void, a beautiful and loving void, but deep down, I knew I was the only one who could save me.
My biggest struggle in this relationship was understanding choice. Was I choosing myself? My partner? What I wanted in life? You can sacrifice a lot for someone you love, even sacrifice yourself. Regardless of what I was going through, I would do anything for this human, and I always will. When you merge with someone in the state of unconditional love, you change the biology of that being. Everything around you becomes love.
As time went on, I delved deeper into my wounds, and he became more and more of a rock for me, and for himself. What changed us forever was him sitting in ceremony and me almost killing myself. I knew I would get through it, but I had to go through so much pain within, and he sat there and watched me through it. I will never be more grateful for him. He saved me.
Before I ever hung out with him, I saw him and instantly fell into a state of love. I went on a trip shortly after, and night after night, after we met, I would dream of him saving my life. It happened every night for weeks, and I thought it was a past life dream, but it wasn’t; it was a premonition. As I write this, I feel so much coming up in my body, and I still ask myself, “Why move on from someone who has done so much for you and made you the woman you’ve always wanted to be?”
Because I know he will thrive without me. We both know this contract is over in this chapter. Regardless of us staying close and connected to fully integrate all that we have learned, we must move forward.
I move into my heart space deeper with him because we can see each other clearly now, with all of our warrior scars, and know we made it out alive.
My shadow is now integrated, and his monk phase is now integrated.
We are whole now in ways that can help us thrive in this human experience and, you know, be human and live our lives.
Love is the most powerful medicine.
